Welcome to Episode 27 of Touched Out! A Mental Health Podcast for Parents.
In this powerful episode, we sit down with Nicole, the inspiring host of the "Your Say Podcast," who shares her incredible journey from corporate stress and personal turmoil to artistic fulfillment and mental health advocacy. Nicole opens up about hitting rock bottom after a life-altering breakup and how she rebuilt her life by embracing authenticity and prioritizing her mental health. Join us as we explore Nicole’s story of resilience, recovery, and her dedication to helping others through her experiences.
Nicole’s Journey to Authenticity and Mental Health Advocacy
Nicole’s journey is a testament to the power of authenticity and mental health awareness. After years of corporate stress, she reached a pivotal moment in her life when she came out as a lesbian at the age of 32. Nicole shares the challenges and triumphs of living her truth, co-parenting her two sons, and advocating for mental health. Her story highlights the importance of embracing one's identity and the strength required to break free from societal expectations.
Overcoming Depression and Anxiety
In this heartfelt conversation, we delve into the often-misunderstood world of depression and anxiety. Nicole and I share personal stories about the emotional pain that can lead to suicidal thoughts, emphasizing the critical need for understanding and support. We discuss the intense strength required to overcome these mental health challenges, the importance of recognizing signs of distress, and the transformative power of seeking help. Our dialogue sheds light on how mindset and support systems play a crucial role in recovery and healing.
Parenting in the Digital Age
Parenting today comes with its own unique set of challenges, especially in the digital age. Nicole candidly discusses the intricacies of co-parenting her sons, balancing screen time, and addressing teenage experimentation with alcohol and drugs. We explore the impact of different household rules on children’s development and the importance of preparing them for the real world. Nicole's insights on modern parenting provide valuable lessons for anyone navigating the complexities of raising children today.
Future Collaborations and Exciting Podcast Ventures
Looking ahead, Nicole shares her excitement about future collaborations and podcast ventures, including her plans to feature her first male guest. We discuss the importance of diverse voices in conversations about parenting and mental health, and how these collaborations can bring fresh perspectives and insights. Nicole's dedication to fostering genuine connections and sharing relatable stories promises an engaging and enlightening episode for listeners.
Thank you for joining us in this compelling exploration of life, growth, and resilience with Nicole. We hope you found this episode inspiring and gained valuable insights.
Thanks for listening to Touched Out: A Mental Health and Parenting Support Podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, please like, subscribe, share, and leave a rating and review. Your support helps others discover their new favorite parenting and mental health podcast.
Stay tuned for more insights, tips and personal stories on parenting and mental health.
Thanks again for listening and keep on keeping on!
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Ali: We would like to acknowledge the traditional
00:00:03
custodians of this land.
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We pay our respects to the Elders past, present and
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emerging, for they hold the memories, the traditions and the
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culture of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people
00:00:14
across the nation.
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Carter: Warning this podcast contains explicit language and
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discusses sensitive topics related to mental health
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childhood trauma, birth trauma, abuse, miscarriage and suicide.
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Listener discretion is advised.
00:00:30
If you find these subjects distressing or triggering, we
00:00:33
recommend taking caution and considering whether to proceed
00:00:36
with listening.
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If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to
00:00:40
a mental health professional or a trusted individual for support
00:00:43
.
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Your wellbeing is our priority.
00:00:45
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Touched Out
00:00:49
podcast.
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On today's episode, I speak with Nicole, who opens up about
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her journey from corporate stress to artistic fulfilment
00:00:56
and mental health advocacy.
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Nicole shares her pivotal moment of coming out as a
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lesbian at 32 and the complexities of co-parenting her
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two sons After a life-altering breakup.
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She finds herself at her lowest , but through prioritising
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mental health and embracing her true self, nicole turned her
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struggles into a powerful narrative of recovery and
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inspiration tough.
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Speaker 3: So take a breath from everything right here and take
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some time.
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It's alright, you'll be fine.
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Touch a podcast, take all night .
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Carter: So today we have Nicole.
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Nicole runs her own podcast.
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Your Say Podcast, is that right ?
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Ali: Your Say Podcast.
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Yeah, Everyone gets nice and opinionated on it.
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That's the idea.
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Carter: Awesome.
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Thank you very much for joining me.
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Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself, a little bit
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about your past and a little bit about why you've decided to
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come on today?
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Ali: Oh, awesome, I was really keen to talk to you.
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Number one I am a lesbian and my entire world is always
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surrounded by women and I love that you are a man.
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So there you go.
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I was really keen.
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Anything around mental health and parenting for me is
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something of a passion.
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I have a podcast and I'm also an artist.
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That's kind of my first job, and then I'm also a coach, so I
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work with clients around their mental health and it's basically
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what I do and live and breathe all day.
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So yeah, a little bit about me.
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I started my kind of career in retail and had a very successful
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career, kind of moved myself all the way up to a general
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manager and was really high in the corporate, up the corporate
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ladder, earning all the money.
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And I went through a breakup with my ex-wife.
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We didn't quite get married, but I call her my ex-wife.
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Two and a half years ago Sorry, I'm jumping way ahead I married
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a man first, so I married a man and then I had a son, and my
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son, dakota, is 17, nearly 18.
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And we co-parented him.
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We split only after about a year and a half.
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So we've co-parented him sort of one week on, one week off,
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for his whole life.
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He's nearly 18.
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Until probably the last two years he lives with me
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permanently now, which is something we can chat about
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because it's an interesting one.
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And then I came out as being gay when I was around 32 and I'm 47
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now.
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So in that time I had two partners, one for a couple of
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years and then my ex, who we were together for 10 years and
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probably that's when my mental health personally just went from
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here to here and along that journey I really learned that
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I'd kind of been living with a bit of a mask on.
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To be honest, I was pretty obsessed with all the
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materialistic things in life.
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I was addicted to being validated by her.
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I didn't have a lot of self-esteem, although to look at
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you would think that I had all the self-esteem in the world.
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So it was a bit of a.
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It was a bit of a bit of bullshit, to be honest.
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And sadly our relationship ended and I was very in love and
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it was a.
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It was quite dramatic.
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It was from an affair.
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She had an affair.
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So that was really really hard and before that occurred I would
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have said we were really happy, like we were a done deal.
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So that was two and a half years ago now, and in that time I've
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kind of hit my rock bottom and then built myself back up and
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have changed really everything.
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Honestly, kind of everything in my life is so different now.
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I quit my corporate job I do miss the money, I will say that
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but started my own business, decided to back myself, I shaved
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my head.
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I care less about what others think, and I'd kind of been told
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my whole life that you need to think before you as a kid, you
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need to think before you speak, nikki.
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And then in a corporate world it was like you're a bit much,
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but it was okay for the men to talk up in the boardroom, you
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know it was looking back at it now.
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I never felt like I could be me in all of the environments that
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I put myself in, but it made me very resilient and the
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resilience made me very successful.
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But now I'm kind of I kind of had to learn who I was.
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It's such a cliche thing to say , but two and a half years ago I
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had to learn who I was, you know, and then go to
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co-parenting.
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My ex-wife and I had a second son and he is six, so we
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co-parent him.
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So at that time I was co-parenting two kids with two
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different parents and I had a lot of shame around that Like.
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I had a lot of shame because that wasn't Instagram perfect,
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like that wasn't.
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That wasn't what I signed up for.
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I was going to have one marriage and it was going to be
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perfect.
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So it's.
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It's been a journey.
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It's been a really, a really big journey and in that sort of
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two and a half years now I've I kind of went through a survival
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year, just moving, separating, you know, doing all the things.
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And then 2022, I did everything for me.
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So I quit my corporate job, I started my own business.
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Art had always been something.
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I'd always had my art business on the side, but I decided to go
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all in on it.
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So, yeah, then this year, the beginning of this year, was all
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about community and me getting out there and sharing and not
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having shame around the fact that my relationship didn't work
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, and I decided to say fuck you to the world and started a
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podcast because people weren't talking about it.
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You know we were that couple that just everyone just thought
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was done and dusted Like we were .
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You know we were a good couple and everyone just thought we
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would survive.
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And you know, in my darkest hours I was isolated, like I
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isolated myself from everyone.
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No one knew in the year that it was going on.
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I didn't even share with my best friend, which is very not
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like me because I'm a huge oversharer.
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Carter: So for the last six months That- all came from a
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place of shame, did it?
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Ali: Absolutely.
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It came from shame and also I was trying to work on the
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relationship.
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So we spent a year of what I thought was trying to get the
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relationship back on track, but the affair still went on.
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But I didn't know that at the time.
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So there was a lot of there's a lot of sneaking around.
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It was really horrible.
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It was a really horrible situation and I almost became
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obsessed with making it work.
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So I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want them to
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think ill of her, you know.
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So I was sort of protecting her and that year was diabolical.
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So I thought, but then in hindsight, 21 was the survival
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and I was in fight or flight.
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So it was just do sell, be a good mom, make the dinner, keep
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making the beds, you know.
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And then it was 21 when mentally, I was just like I
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don't want to do this anymore, like I just, you know, I stopped
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.
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I finally allowed myself to stop.
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Carter: Yeah, so that's kind of when you hit the rock bottom
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just from having that facade for so long.
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Ali: Yeah, absolutely, and I'd started to sort of share.
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I'd started to share things and my rock bottom was in October 21
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.
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And no one knew.
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You know, I sort of picked myself back up and was seeing
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counselors and tried psychologists and was doing all
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those things.
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But yeah, I think when you're truly affected by mental health,
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it's dark, like it was a dark place, like I still showed up
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smiling, I was a leader, managing 200, 300 people.
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I would walk in.
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Everyone thought I was great and it wasn't even so much a
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feeling of I just didn't.
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I just I did not want to do my life without her, like I just
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could not grieve and I hadn't grieved.
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So the year before I just survived, survived.
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It's like grieving a death, you know, except that you're
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co-parenting.
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When someone dies, people rally around you and make you food
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and you know you can kind of own it.
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But when you lose a partner and then you still got to watch
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them be with someone else it was really hard.
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It was really hard.
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I don't actually talk about it so much anymore because I feel
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like it gives it airplay, but I'm in the best place now I can
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be.
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And you know, the last six months for me have been
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phenomenal really Mentally.
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I'm kind of you know I've made a whole business out of it,
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essentially.
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Carter: Yeah.
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So those dark days are really quite intriguing to me, because
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I always try to find different analogies to explain it, as if
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someone's never heard of depression or anything like that
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.
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But the way I see it, when you're in the thick of it is
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it's like the most comfortable and warm and snuggly hug that
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you could ever receive.
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But that hug is choking the life out of you.
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When you're in it, you just you find comfort in the in just
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surviving.
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Yeah, totally and it's so easy to stay trapped there and then
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it just takes like one little thing and that's when you hit
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that rock bottom, you go shit, I need-.
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I'm fucking in deep here.
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I need to get out.
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Ali: Yeah, and then yeah, and I think and and then, from there
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you start to rebuild, you rebuild.
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Carter: You start to air out your shame.
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You liberate yourself.
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You, you own the shame, you own the feelings.
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You say this is how I fucking feel.
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I'm not doing okay, I'm trying better, I will get there and
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it's just.
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Yeah, it's kind of like a butterfly, you know, you emerge
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from your little fucking sadness cocoon and you're all beautiful
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and bright and liberated.
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Ali: And I think as well I found my brother is eight years
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younger than me, I'm 47.
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And he'd suffered, you know he'd had suicide attempts along
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the way and you know has been into drugs and all sorts of you
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of.
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Not that I'm judging in any way , I'm not but he'd had a
00:11:06
colorful life for want of a better word and I've always
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worked managing really large teams.
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So I know I was very aware of depression, I was very much, I
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was very educated on what it looked like, but I was judgy and
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not until it hit me.
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And I definitely became highly anxious in the year that the
00:11:28
affair was going on and that was you know, and I went to the
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doctor and got on anxiety tablets and I had so much shame
00:11:34
around that and when I was in the doctor's surgery I was kind
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of like I've been anxious my whole life Like I just didn't
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know, I just didn't know it, you know, whole life, like I just
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didn't know, I just didn't know it, you know.
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And so I had kind of, and then the depression for me didn't hit
00:11:49
until that 21.
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And that was when I allowed myself to stop and actually
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grieve like that and for me the depression was I just I have so
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much more sympathy and empathy for anyone that's ever suffered
00:12:03
from it, because I was never.
00:12:05
Mine was very.
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My therapist says it's like it's very, it's what I was.
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The way I was acting in mine could kill me, because I was
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literally like a split personality, because I still
00:12:17
showed up, still went to work, but then secretly I'm like I'm
00:12:20
not going to be here.
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Then, like I got that dark, like I didn't want to be here
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anymore and I would have been that person where people would
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go, what.
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Like she's so together, her home looks perfect, she's
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putting all the thing.
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It was very silently, literally killing me.
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And like I went and got my affairs in order, wheels like
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cause I'm a very high achiever in what I do and I'm like if I'm
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going to go out, I'm going to do it really structured and like
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it's going to be, like there's no coming back.
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And I think I learned for me through that experience that you
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know when you get to a point where you feel suicidal and this
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is the first time I've ever spoken about it.
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So here we are.
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But I was, I was suicidal and I I'd always looked at it as
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selfish, like I'd obviously been touched by a suicide and I was
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like, oh, how selfish, how could you do that?
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How could you?
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But when I was in it, you are that fucking low, but that's the
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only option.
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You know, and I have a newfound respect for that, and I, you
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know, you hear people going oh, they committed suicide, or you
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know they left the poor kids behind.
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And whereas now my heart just goes out to the person and I'm
00:13:29
like, wow, the pain that they must've been in.
00:13:32
But before that my judgment was like how could they do that?
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How could they know the kids were going to see?
00:13:38
And no, no, no, no.
00:13:39
And having now gone through it personally, I was just, yeah, it
00:13:43
was a really dark time For me.
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It was dark, it was a really short time and I got help and I
00:13:52
got out of it quite quickly.
00:13:53
But if I didn't live the life I lead now, where I practice it
00:13:57
constantly, even just a dark mood, now I recognize the thing
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and I'm like right, I got to get up, I got to go to nature, I
00:14:05
got to you know, like I've really got to overreact to it,
00:14:09
because I think it's like, yeah, I think once it gets you, it
00:14:13
becomes an option For me, it became an option which is really
00:14:16
fun.
00:14:16
Like I can't even believe I'm talking about this so blatantly,
00:14:19
but it's maybe it's time now, but it was an like things were
00:14:23
so hard that it was.
00:14:24
It became an option for me and I was very aware it was going to
00:14:26
fuck my kids like.
00:14:28
I've since spoken to my best friend.
00:14:29
She's like well, what about your kids?
00:14:30
And I'm like you don't understand that when you're
00:14:32
there, you're not thinking about them.
00:14:33
Like all I could think of is financially.
00:14:36
They're okay and I can't do it like it's.
00:14:40
It's not selfish to them, it's can't do it Like you, you know.
00:14:45
So, yeah, that was a big answer to your first question.
00:14:49
Carter: Yeah, no, thank you so much for sharing.
00:14:51
I really appreciate it.
00:14:52
I myself have been through my suicide days and I was like you.
00:14:58
Prior to I'd had friends that had committed suicide in my
00:15:01
younger years and I always thought, wow, how selfish for
00:15:05
them to leave a world behind and leave just absolute agony in
00:15:09
their path.
00:15:09
You know, with their friends and their family, just missing
00:15:12
every second that they're gone.
00:15:14
But when you're in it, you think it's not selfish because
00:15:18
the world and the people around you would be so much better off
00:15:21
without you in it, and that's the frame of mind that I had,
00:15:24
definitely.
00:15:25
And it's hard, it's fucking hard, when you are just so low
00:15:29
and so beaten by life.
00:15:32
It's not a selfish thing, it's literally just.
00:15:35
I need to fucking get off this train and everyone will be just
00:15:38
fine without me.
00:15:39
Yeah, so anyone who's had those days and lives to see the next
00:15:45
day nothing but absolute respect for pushing through.
00:15:49
Ali: Yeah, and I think anyone Reaching out and climbing out of
00:15:53
that hole that you're in.
00:15:54
And it's just the one thing.
00:15:55
Like I, it was almost like for me.
00:15:58
I don't know.
00:15:59
I find it hard now to even put it into words, but I don't know
00:16:05
why I didn't In the end.
00:16:07
I just went like and I planned it meticulously and there was no
00:16:12
chance of it not working, so it was like it was going to happen
00:16:16
.
00:16:16
And then I just was about to do it and went hmm, and even then I
00:16:21
still see, unlike you, I wasn't thinking that people were
00:16:24
better off without me.
00:16:25
I wasn't even thinking that, like I did not know how to
00:16:30
continue being as who I was like .
00:16:32
I just didn't like.
00:16:33
I mean, I did.
00:16:34
I was 45 at the time and I almost felt like everything was
00:16:39
fraudulent, you know.
00:16:40
And so it was like, and it was three months later that I quit
00:16:44
my job and career and I haven't had a personality change by any
00:16:49
stretch, but I definitely went into serving others and helping
00:16:53
others and you know, that's kind of I'm just a better person now
00:16:58
.
00:16:58
I'm just not a judgmental asshole, which I really was.
00:17:00
Like I was very much, oh, they come from a shit family, and I'd
00:17:03
come from a shit family and so I had held myself.
00:17:06
I shouldn't say I've come from a shit family.
00:17:08
I'd come from a very dysfunctional family and I was
00:17:11
the normal one Fuck, I hate the word normal and so it was like
00:17:17
it would have blown them away, like I've since told my mum how
00:17:20
bad I got and she can't even talk about it.
00:17:23
She's like but you didn't like she.
00:17:27
It just doesn't even mix with who I was portraying as a person
00:17:30
.
00:17:30
So but yeah, that's that's.
00:17:33
That was that yucky journey, but for me it's.
00:17:35
It's a year and a half ago, nearly two years, a year and a
00:17:39
half ago.
00:17:40
That for me, and it's not even something I think about, it's
00:17:42
not even something that comes into my.
00:17:43
It's only if I have a really yucky I.
00:17:45
I've never thought about doing it again.
00:17:47
I've never.
00:17:49
I've just got a hell of a lot more sympathy for people that
00:17:52
suffer from depression and feel like they've got nowhere to go.
00:17:57
And you know, I work with I'm a coach now and work with many
00:18:00
women.
00:18:00
I've got eight clients at the moment and I work with them
00:18:04
one-on-one but we also use like WhatsApp, so I'm their kind of
00:18:07
lifeline.
00:18:07
And not that I'm working with women that are suicidal, it's
00:18:10
more at a business supporting level.
00:18:12
But I've now got a coach.
00:18:14
That's that for me.
00:18:15
So if I'm, if I'm triggered or having an immediate bad day, if
00:18:18
I didn't have that, and I pay a lot of money to have her at my
00:18:21
beck and call, but that's what I've had to do, like that's just
00:18:24
what you know I've kind of had to do and restructure my whole
00:18:27
life so that I can kind of show up being me so you've started it
00:18:31
, so it's a life coach business.
00:18:33
Carter: Yeah, essentially yeah, it's the best way to say it.
00:18:36
Yeah, yeah, I I work with.
00:18:38
Ali: Yeah, it's a life coaching.
00:18:39
It's.
00:18:39
I work with women in group containers like online courses
00:18:43
that I run, and then I work with women one-on-one and it's
00:18:46
really it always starts with mindset, right.
00:18:49
Everything comes back to who we are as people.
00:18:51
So I work with women, usually pretty intensely for sort of
00:18:56
like an eight-week program it's called your Way where we meet
00:18:59
weekly but then we are sort of voice messaging each other or
00:19:02
texting throughout the day and I teach them the tools, I teach
00:19:05
them all the tools that helped me pull myself out of those
00:19:10
spaces.
00:19:10
And then, having been a successful business person, I do
00:19:14
business coaching as well.
00:19:15
So it just depends on the client as to who they are or
00:19:17
where they are.
00:19:18
And you know I've ended up having a pretty colorful life
00:19:23
essentially.
00:19:23
You know I've been straight, I've been gay, I've been, you
00:19:26
know.
00:19:26
So I've kind of I've got an interesting bucket.
00:19:28
But I do coaching.
00:19:30
Coaching's like 50% of my time, and then 50% of my time is
00:19:35
creating artwork, you know, probably 40%, and then 10%
00:19:39
smashing out a couple of podcasts.
00:19:41
But like you, you know know, I've had guests on our podcast
00:19:43
that just I'm just fascinated to hear people's stories and to
00:19:47
normalize that you know the shit we see on tv is not real, the
00:19:52
shit we see on social media is not real and you know, if we can
00:19:56
bring real conversations into people's ears, it's like it can
00:20:01
have it I shouldn't say it can.
00:20:03
It has a massive impact, like I know just from my podcast and
00:20:06
I'm'm sure, carter, you've had the same people are like oh,
00:20:09
thanks for that, like that's just what I needed, like I just
00:20:13
needed to hear that, to know that, to normalize my own
00:20:17
feelings.
00:20:18
Carter: Yeah, it's been an amazing journey with my podcast.
00:20:22
I'm sure you can probably relate.
00:20:24
Ali: How long have you been podcasting for?
00:20:26
Carter: Since March.
00:20:28
Ali: Okay, yeah, I'm since February.
00:20:30
Carter: Yeah, so I've just released my 10th episode
00:20:34
yesterday, with one bonus episode, a Mother's Day episode
00:20:38
about my mum and her life, but I've had so much awesome
00:20:42
feedback from all over the world , which is just crazy to me.
00:20:48
Ali: It is isn't it?
00:20:48
Carter: You know, there's people in like fucking Saskatchewan,
00:20:51
canada, that listen to me every fortnight, and I've had an
00:20:55
amazing lady from Israel on as a guest.
00:20:58
Wow, yeah, she reached out to me and just all of these things.
00:21:02
And then I've even got like straight single in their 20s
00:21:06
that I work with, that listen to my podcast every fortnight.
00:21:09
They're not parents, they're just like.
00:21:11
I just love listening to everyone's stories, yeah, so
00:21:14
good.
00:21:15
And the fact that we're talking about mental health.
00:21:16
Everyone likes the dirt, everyone likes hearing about
00:21:19
other people's trauma.
00:21:21
It's a weird kind of reality TV show kind of lens that you can
00:21:26
look through into other people's lives yeah, and I think, if I
00:21:30
think it's super fun, it is.
00:21:32
Ali: It's really fun.
00:21:32
We, we I've just done 45 episodes, so we were smashing
00:21:36
out to a week.
00:21:37
So it's been, as you know, a truckload of work and, exactly
00:21:43
like you, have touched women all over the world, have had guests
00:21:47
from all over the world and I think just shining the light on
00:21:51
the mental health will put it as a big umbrella shining because
00:21:54
essentially what we're chatting about is not dissimilar, and
00:21:57
people sharing their story so authentically.
00:22:01
This is what our parents didn't do right.
00:22:04
So they are all from the generation where you didn't talk
00:22:07
about it and you swept it under the table and that's why we
00:22:11
were the way we were and I think , from a generational
00:22:14
perspective, my eldest son's nearly 18.
00:22:17
He doesn't listen to the podcast.
00:22:18
He's got no interest whatsoever .
00:22:19
I'm really open about my sex life and dating and all that
00:22:22
stuff.
00:22:23
So I'm like you know you aren't going to like this.
00:22:25
And even to my family, I've got no idea who in my family, if
00:22:28
anyone, has ever listened to it, and I've been.
00:22:31
You know the first few episodes are super dark of what my
00:22:36
childhood was like through my lens and I said to mum like
00:22:39
you'll be highly offended by it if you listen, but it's not
00:22:42
aimed at you.
00:22:43
It's just how I felt.
00:22:50
It's my story, like it's my story of the choices that you
00:22:52
made and it's my.
00:22:52
I don't want to listen to that.
00:22:53
I'm like no, don't.
00:22:53
Whereas if that was me and my kid at a podcast, I'd be
00:22:54
straight on it.
00:22:55
You know, but her generation and I say that pretty
00:22:58
comfortably because I've interviewed a lot of people over
00:23:01
65.
00:23:02
They don't want to deal with their stuff.
00:23:04
Majority of them, they just want to keep doing what they're
00:23:06
doing she doesn't understand what life coaching means.
00:23:11
I recently went to a silent retreat for 10 days and
00:23:14
meditated, called Vipassana, which is a style of meditation.
00:23:18
You give up everything.
00:23:20
You have no technology, no phones, you can't even gesture,
00:23:23
you can't look at another person and you meditate for 14 hours a
00:23:26
day, very monk-like, and it like.
00:23:30
The people that knew me from pre two and a half years ago are
00:23:35
like you're doing what?
00:23:37
And we're very judgmental, like why the fuck would you do that?
00:23:43
As if you're going to be able to shut up, and it's like no,
00:23:46
this is who I am now and you know I came back from that
00:23:49
experience even more attuned to myself and it was the hardest
00:23:55
thing I've ever done.
00:23:56
I've run a couple of marathons before.
00:23:57
I wouldn't say it was harder than my separation, but in terms
00:24:00
of physically being alone with your thoughts for 10 days, like
00:24:05
you couldn't do it if you weren't mentally strong, there's
00:24:07
just no way you could make it through.
00:24:09
But it was good.
00:24:11
It was a really interesting experience and I've sort of come
00:24:13
out of that now even more self-aware, so self-aware Like I
00:24:20
still catch it after it's out of my mouth.
00:24:21
I'm like, ah, fuck, I should have, you know.
00:24:24
But I'm so aware like I'll do something and immediately I'll
00:24:28
be like, yeah, I'm very reflective on it.
00:24:31
And even if I listened to the podcast that I created in
00:24:34
January, february this year, I'm like, oh, no, I don't think
00:24:37
that anymore.
00:24:37
So I'm very contradictory, but aware of it, I can be easy.
00:24:42
I'm not easily influenced, but If I listen to something, I'm
00:24:46
like, no, that's right.
00:24:47
Yeah, no, I changed my mind on that, you know, and I kind of I
00:24:51
found that really hard to accept .
00:24:53
But for me, change it's like, oh , you didn't used to believe in
00:24:56
that, nikki.
00:24:56
It's like, no, I know, I didn't , I own that.
00:24:58
I didn't, I own that.
00:24:59
I used to be a selfish asshole and now I'm not, and now I do
00:25:02
live my life like this.
00:25:03
So my old friends and network really struggle and I don't
00:25:12
really hang out with them anymore.
00:25:12
You know like I've got a whole different space of people and I
00:25:14
would say I'm still finding the people I want to hang out with.
00:25:17
You know, I want to be able to say hey, I'm off to go on a
00:25:21
meditation retreat for four days and I'm going to do this, this,
00:25:24
and I don't want to feel shame about it.
00:25:25
I want them to go awesome, because if that's what you want
00:25:27
to fucking do, go and do it.
00:25:29
You know, you do you yeah 100%.
00:25:33
Carter: I think that that evolution of personality after
00:25:36
you've kind of gone through those dark days and you start
00:25:39
like the re-emergence and rebuilding yourself and figuring
00:25:42
out what you actually like just as a you, just as an individual
00:25:45
.
00:25:45
Ali: Exactly.
00:25:46
Carter: Super important Me myself.
00:25:48
I would hate to be alone with my thoughts for that long.
00:25:51
I think that would be incredibly destructive.
00:25:53
I admire you for doing it.
00:25:56
Ali: And it's not for everyone right, and I did it as it's a
00:26:01
way of life and it's a.
00:26:04
The underlying thing that you learn is that you learn to get
00:26:09
attuned to what's reality, and the reality is everything
00:26:14
changes every minuscule second.
00:26:16
So you sharpen your brain during meditation, so much so
00:26:19
that I live now in the present, which I didn't, I was always.
00:26:23
But once I get that, and once I have that house, and then this,
00:26:25
you know, and I lived like that for a really long time and I
00:26:28
still struggle with it because it's, you know, it's only 10
00:26:31
days.
00:26:32
It's 10 days against 47 years.
00:26:34
You know what I mean.
00:26:34
But I now, yeah, like the most stressful thing could happen, it
00:26:41
could be, you know, a terminal illness for my child, or I'm
00:26:43
trying to think of something really something really tragic
00:26:45
and dramatic, and I just know I'm okay, like I just don't have
00:26:49
any, I don't fear death, I don't.
00:26:51
I just don't fear anything anymore.
00:26:52
And no, my kids have noticed a dramatic difference.
00:26:56
I actually asked my son last night cause it's just me and the
00:26:59
two boys and we've got a little puppy, alice, and I said to him
00:27:03
do you notice how chill I am these days?
00:27:05
And he goes oh, yeah, like okay , do you remember what it was
00:27:11
like when we used to be a big family and sit at the dinner
00:27:13
table and I had my partner and he's like, yeah, that's way
00:27:15
better now, mom, and I'm like, is it?
00:27:16
And he goes, yeah, you're way better, you're so much happier,
00:27:20
and he can see that now.
00:27:21
I don't think he would have said that a year earlier,
00:27:24
potentially while I was still highly anxious.
00:27:26
But yeah, but look, you know co-parenting our youngest one.
00:27:31
You know we talk about parenting on your podcast.
00:27:34
It's hard, I think, would I say it's hard.
00:27:37
We do a really, really good job of it in light of everything,
00:27:43
but it has had a massive impact on our youngest son, who's six,
00:27:47
whereas my eldest son son we separated they were the same age
00:27:50
, essentially, and we did one week on, one week off with him
00:27:53
and he just had two homes, two lives he did become a people
00:27:58
pleaser.
00:27:58
That's something I've found really common in kids that have
00:28:01
two homes, because they go to one and they've got one set of
00:28:04
rules and so they act a certain way and then they get to the
00:28:07
next one and then it might just be nature.
00:28:09
But yeah, he became very people-pleasing, whereas my
00:28:13
little one.
00:28:13
It's been nearly three years and he's still probably every
00:28:17
second or third night.
00:28:18
Why can't I just have one house ?
00:28:19
Why can't I just have it?
00:28:21
Still says it after three years and he's not unhappy in either
00:28:25
of his homes.
00:28:26
It just pisses him off.
00:28:27
You know he's like why can't I just?
00:28:29
And I get it, I'm like mate, it must be.
00:28:30
I say to him I say that must be so frustrating, but you know
00:28:35
you've got two extra people that love you now.
00:28:37
You know like, but it is hard.
00:28:39
I wonder what the whole co-parenting?
00:28:41
I sometimes sit down now and think like what will they be
00:28:45
podcasting about?
00:28:46
You know, like what will they be saying on their podcast when
00:28:49
they're 40?
00:28:49
You know I lived in two homes and this mum did this and this
00:28:52
mum did that.
00:28:53
And you know I do reflect.
00:28:56
I didn't do that with my eldest son because I was a fucking
00:28:59
crazy bitch then, but now I do.
00:29:01
I look at, and I had the afternoon.
00:29:03
We went up to Mount Tambourine with my little one yesterday and
00:29:05
I got to spend some quality time with him yesterday and I
00:29:07
got to spend some quality time with him and he's such a good
00:29:09
kid, you know.
00:29:10
But in his other family.
00:29:11
There's a new baby about to be born and they've since got
00:29:14
married and you know so there's a lot going on.
00:29:21
So he's he's pretty emotional, which is why we kind of went and
00:29:24
had some one-on-one time.
00:29:25
But I think that for me, I've co-parented both my kids.
00:29:28
Sadly, I mean my, my, my second one.
00:29:29
I didn't co-parent him for three years, but I'm a great
00:29:31
parent for it.
00:29:32
Like when I'm on parenting I'm on, so I don't and you haven't
00:29:37
seen them.
00:29:37
So I feel like they get.
00:29:40
My kids, particularly my eldest son, had lived a really
00:29:43
sheltered life so you can go out and drink and party and do
00:29:46
anything that you don't deem appropriate away from your
00:29:49
children.
00:29:49
So my eldest son, he just didn't see anything.
00:29:52
I remember once he must've been like 11 or 12 and we're at a
00:29:56
shopping center and a fight started and he like fell to the
00:30:00
ground.
00:30:00
Like he fell to the ground and went mom, what's happening?
00:30:02
They're hitting each other and I was like I grew up seeing
00:30:06
domestic violence and all the things you know.
00:30:08
And I was like up seeing domestic violence and all the
00:30:14
things you know and I was like, wow, good on me for creating
00:30:15
this beautiful, safe, loving space.
00:30:16
But I've had to have lots of talk to him in the last few
00:30:18
years.
00:30:19
This isn't normal like you've had this perfect, beautiful life
00:30:22
where you've gone on overseas holidays every year and you've
00:30:25
lived on the water and it's been very privileged to go to the
00:30:28
best schools and all the stuff I'm like.
00:30:31
But this isn most of the world doesn't get this.
00:30:34
But he, that's all he knew, right?
00:30:36
So he just thinks everyone goes to Japan snowboarding every
00:30:39
January.
00:30:39
He just thinks that's normal, right?
00:30:41
And I had to teach him at 14, 15, 16.
00:30:45
Yeah, I had to really explain to him that not all the schools
00:30:48
look like your school and it was really interesting and I tried
00:30:53
so hard for perfection and then was like you know, my iPad broke
00:30:59
.
00:30:59
Can I get a new one?
00:30:59
No, not anymore.
00:31:00
We don't roll like that anymore .
00:31:03
Carter: Yeah, had to send him to the school of hard knocks, get
00:31:06
a bit of street knowledge.
00:31:07
Ali: Yeah, so no, he's definitely, definitely.
00:31:09
I mean, you know he's, he's.
00:31:10
He's not street smart at all like you know, he's not.
00:31:13
He's not street smart and he doesn't.
00:31:14
I mean, he gets it.
00:31:15
Now he's pushing 18 but he's got no idea entering the
00:31:18
workforce, what's about to happen, and just doesn't get it.
00:31:21
And I've got an insane work ethic which he hasn't inherited,
00:31:26
which is really interesting because he's watched, he's had a
00:31:29
working mum his whole life but it hasn't.
00:31:32
I mean, he works, he's got a job at subway and he works two
00:31:35
or three shifts a week but you know it's, if they ask him to do
00:31:39
another shift, he's like well, I don't need another shift.
00:31:41
You know, I'd prefer to go surfing, or you know, whereas
00:31:44
when I was a kid it was like anything for more money.
00:31:47
But yeah, it's interesting, co-parent, did you?
00:31:50
Co-parent, carter?
00:31:51
Carter: I do not know.
00:31:51
I've you do not?
00:31:52
I've got three kids and I am married yeah, that's lovely.
00:31:55
Yeah, no, it's really lovely, I am I am the product of a broken
00:32:00
home, though I am a child of divorce myself.
00:32:02
My, my parents divorced.
00:32:03
When I was five.
00:32:04
I went with mum, my brother went with dad, my sister oh wow,
00:32:08
that's hard yeah, so he's three years older than dad.
00:32:12
My sister oh wow, that's hard.
00:32:13
Yeah, so he's three years older than me and my sister's 11
00:32:15
years older than me.
00:32:16
So she came with us for a little while but then moved in
00:32:17
with friends.
00:32:17
You know, as she was much older , it was like an every second
00:32:20
weekend thing.
00:32:21
I went to my dad's house.
00:32:22
I never really liked doing that much.
00:32:26
I was very much a mummy's boy and I always wanted to stay with
00:32:34
mum and I always resented having to leave.
00:32:35
So I mean that's you were saying before that you don't
00:32:37
really know how your son feels, or you like, reflect on it.
00:32:40
That's how I felt.
00:32:42
Ali: Yeah, well, that's no, that's what happened to him.
00:32:45
So once he got his license, sort of a year and a half ago
00:32:48
and you know the way I parent, my mum was, my mum had me at 17,
00:32:53
so she was loosey-goosey like just you know all that we got.
00:32:58
Also I they her.
00:33:00
My dad split up when I was about six or seven
00:33:03
coincidentally he's not my real dad, that's a whole nother
00:33:05
podcast but didn't find that out till later in life.
00:33:07
It was a colorful life, right, it's pretty dysfunctional lots
00:33:10
of different boyfriends, and her brother was a drug addict and
00:33:13
got exposed to things that kids shouldn't have seen, and I was
00:33:17
sort of hell bent against my kids.
00:33:20
I was going to break the cycle.
00:33:21
I was like that's just not happening in, you know.
00:33:25
And so when I went through my life, I was, I knew I was gay, I
00:33:29
knew I was born gay.
00:33:31
I loved women, but I was like my willpower to want to break the
00:33:36
cycle of drama was far greater.
00:33:38
So I was like, no, I've got to find a guy, I've got to get
00:33:41
married.
00:33:41
I've got to have a good job.
00:33:42
I've got to get a company car, I've got to buy a house.
00:33:43
Really young I mean, I bought a house at 19.
00:33:45
Like at 19, like who the fuck does that?
00:33:52
Now like just stupid right.
00:33:52
But for me that was that would pull me away from what I was in,
00:33:54
like that was kind of how I saw it, and so I did all that.
00:33:55
And then those thoughts of women didn't just it's really
00:34:00
hard to make them go away they just didn't go away.
00:34:03
Carter: So did you reject your homosexuality until you came out
00:34:08
and you were exclusively for women.
00:34:12
Ali: Yeah, I think I definitely pushed it down.
00:34:17
You know, I had an ability then in my life to push my.
00:34:21
I was like a professional blocker back then, so I pushed
00:34:24
it down, pushed it down, pushed it down.
00:34:25
It was definitely always there.
00:34:27
I did not enjoy being with men.
00:34:29
I had a boyfriend from sort of 13 to 15, 15 to 19.
00:34:33
And then I met Dakota's dad and that was kind of an on and off
00:34:35
thing.
00:34:35
That's my eldest son and I didn't sleep with a woman until
00:34:41
after, you know, until our marriage separated.
00:34:44
But I definitely dabbled with them.
00:34:46
I remember my hen's party, passing three women and thinking
00:34:50
, okay, it's out of my system now, like it'll go away, you
00:34:53
know, and like we're talking 25, 30 years ago.
00:34:56
So that was not what I mean.
00:34:57
Now it's very common.
00:34:58
It's almost like they do it for the attention and it's
00:35:01
something, you see, but it certainly wasn't then, and my
00:35:04
brother's gay as well.
00:35:05
So, yeah, I definitely ignored it, pushed it away, pushed it
00:35:07
away.
00:35:07
And then I met a particular girl, my first girlfriend, and I
00:35:10
just locked eyes with her and I was like, oh, this is like I
00:35:13
have to, you know, and it meant blowing up everything.
00:35:17
That was the life I'd built.
00:35:19
It was my previous understanding of the world and
00:35:23
it meant I would come from a broken home, which then meant I
00:35:26
was just like my family, you know, and that's probably when
00:35:29
my mental health journey started .
00:35:30
So I was like 31, 32.
00:35:32
That's when I first started talking to counselors and
00:35:36
dealing with, then, that's when I dealt with all my past trauma,
00:35:40
all my childhood stuff.
00:35:41
And you know, I've been yeah, I'd say I don't think there'd be
00:35:46
yeah, I'd say I've been working on myself solidly for 15 years
00:35:50
and, you know, more intensely at different times in my life, but
00:35:54
I've always, I'd say from 30 to 40, I dealt with all the family
00:35:58
stuff and I think it took me 10 years, took me 10 years to kind
00:36:01
of process and have a really good understanding of what my
00:36:05
triggers were and how I could have a relationship with certain
00:36:07
people and my family are all in Melbourne.
00:36:10
I live on the Gold Coast, which is about a for those listening
00:36:13
overseas it's like a two and a half hour flight, so it's a long
00:36:15
way, and I left in early twenties, you know, and I love
00:36:20
my family from a distance, you know, and we have a okay
00:36:25
relationship, but that's it Like there's.
00:36:27
No, I don't go there for Christmas.
00:36:29
For Christmas it's like a once a year thing or a wedding, or
00:36:32
now it's starting to become funerals and I would never want
00:36:35
that for my kids.
00:36:36
But the fact that it's that, in light of all the stuff we went
00:36:39
through, is amazing.
00:36:41
I'm actually really happy that we've got to a point where
00:36:44
that's the relationship.
00:36:45
But that was all the work I did , and then from 40 on was kind
00:36:49
of more work that I did on myself.
00:36:51
So that's kind of and that's an ongoing lifelong journey for me
00:36:54
.
00:36:55
I think some people, when they first start dealing with their
00:36:58
trauma, they think that there's a finish line, you know, and
00:37:04
it's hard to accept that there's not.
00:37:05
There's periods where your life feels a bit easier and but
00:37:08
life's 50,.
00:37:09
I often say to my clients life is 50% shit and 50% good.
00:37:13
You know, and if you can have a really reality, if you can have
00:37:16
a realistic expectation, then you'll be okay.
00:37:19
Whereas I used to think I grew up, my family, my family
00:37:23
conditioning, came from TV.
00:37:26
So I love TV.
00:37:27
So because my home life wasn't functioning like, I literally
00:37:31
thought family ties, the Brady Bunch, anything I watched on TV,
00:37:35
that was what I wanted, right, because for me that was normal,
00:37:40
bewitched anything, anything that had a mom, a dad and a nice
00:37:45
home.
00:37:45
And I didn't grow up without.
00:37:47
It wasn't that dramatic.
00:37:48
I always had a house, et cetera .
00:37:50
I know people grow up in harder environments than what I did,
00:37:53
but for me it was hard right, but that was my family network.
00:37:56
So that was what I saw and, I think, what that did.
00:37:59
The conditioning that that did for me is that's all the things
00:38:03
you had to have had to have a company car, had to have a nice
00:38:05
car, had to have a nice house, had to you know, and that was
00:38:09
where that came from.
00:38:10
Right now I'm renting.
00:38:12
I just earned the lowest salary I've ever earned in 30 years in
00:38:16
the previous 12 months and I've never been happier, hand on
00:38:20
heart, like I've never been happier.
00:38:22
I need to earn more money because my lifestyle was built
00:38:26
from earning more money.
00:38:26
But if I didn't like those things so much, like I actually
00:38:29
wish that I didn't want for all those things, if that makes
00:38:32
sense, like it doesn't the materialistic things that I've
00:38:40
become accustomed to, I kind of wish I didn't want them so much
00:38:41
because it now doesn't agree with me, does that make sense?
00:38:43
Like it just doesn't?
00:38:44
It's like I'm about to move into a beautiful bougie
00:38:47
apartment near Hedges Avenue and it's stunning and I love it,
00:38:52
but it then means I've got to earn a certain amount of money
00:38:54
and I hate that, you know, and that's because of all the work
00:38:58
I've done.
00:38:58
Like I'm a contradiction, you know, I'm yeah, and that's just
00:39:01
my journey and it's taken me a long time.
00:39:04
For anyone that's listening to the podcast, like, once you
00:39:08
start, if you're invested and you love yourself and you're
00:39:11
going to do the work, you don't stop, you don't get to a finish
00:39:14
line, you don't get there.
00:39:15
You, you know I've earned all the money in the world like
00:39:19
didn't change anything.
00:39:21
I had the wife, the house, the you know like and that's where,
00:39:25
kind of just living in the day and the moment and literally
00:39:29
waking up and smelling the roses .
00:39:31
It's so funny, isn't it?
00:39:32
Kind of like all the cliche statements that we're told and
00:39:36
that we hear growing up, it's now reality.
00:39:40
You know, love yourself before you can love.
00:39:42
You can't love someone until you love yourself.
00:39:44
I must have been told that I don't know a hundred times.
00:39:47
As a young person, I didn't ever listen to what that meant.
00:39:50
Carter: Not until I was, because they're just words.
00:39:52
Ali: They were just words until you're actually in it.
00:39:55
Carter: Yeah, I find things like anything to do with parenting,
00:39:59
any of those cliches of like you'll understand when you have
00:40:02
kids, and all of that.
00:40:04
You know, I got told that shit all the time when I was growing
00:40:07
up and it was literally just words, and it may as well have
00:40:11
been a completely different language, just words, and it may
00:40:15
as well have been a completely different language.
00:40:17
And then, slowly but surely, after having kids.
00:40:19
Ali: I just those words creep back into my mind my dear old
00:40:21
mom saying them you wait, you wait, you wait.
00:40:24
Carter: She was right, she was right, yeah, she was right about
00:40:27
everything, and I say them to my kids now as well, and and I'm
00:40:31
like this is pointless to say this but one day, one day,
00:40:35
they'll be in their 30s with three kids and they want to pull
00:40:37
their hair out and they'll say to their kids you wait until
00:40:40
you're a parent, and they'll have a little smile on their
00:40:42
face.
00:40:44
Ali: It's funny.
00:40:44
You know, I love, love being a parent and I wouldn't change
00:40:49
obviously my situation I'm not someone that lives with regret
00:40:52
but change obviously my situation.
00:40:53
I'm not someone that lives with regret.
00:40:55
But if I had my time over I wouldn't have kids.
00:41:00
And I don't say that in a like I kind of own that these days,
00:41:01
like I love them, I'm a great mom, I provide for them, but
00:41:03
they don't define who I am.
00:41:05
You know I'm not a mom that so tell me.
00:41:08
Someone says, tell me about yourself.
00:41:10
I don't talk about my kids for quite a bit, like they're kind
00:41:12
of down, especially when I'm dating someone new or when I
00:41:15
meet someone new.
00:41:16
And that doesn't mean I don't love them at all, but they, you
00:41:19
know, I've always been a working mom.
00:41:21
I've always had my own purpose and I strongly believe that kids
00:41:24
mimic the behavior that they see.
00:41:26
And that's what I've done with my, you know, my eldest son's
00:41:30
coming into 18.
00:41:31
And, aside from my work ethic, he's a bloody good kid and he's
00:41:34
a good guy and but what I had to correct and what I learned at
00:41:38
that 15, 16 year old Mark, like what I said before, is I was
00:41:41
like, oh shit, I'm making him think that this is real life.
00:41:44
And then you know we go to a third world, we go to Bali for a
00:41:47
holiday and he's just like crying at how they live, like,
00:41:51
and I'm like, oh my god, you think, living on like he thought
00:41:54
that was real.
00:41:55
But why wouldn't he?
00:41:56
That's all he knew, and so I've had to correct the course along
00:42:01
the way.
00:42:01
And how old your eldest carter?
00:42:04
Carter: four, four a four-year-old girl, a
00:42:06
two-year-old boy and a almost one-year-old girl.
00:42:09
Ali: Yeah, baby yeah, and you know, navigating young adults is
00:42:12
a whole new thing and one of the things I used to say, like
00:42:15
people used to say to me and my eldest son was always a great
00:42:18
kid and people would say, oh, he's such a good kid.
00:42:20
You know, when you become a parent, you don't get a rule
00:42:22
book.
00:42:23
You don't get a rule book.
00:42:23
It's like, no, you don't.
00:42:24
But there are books, right, like you actually can research
00:42:27
being a good parent and if your kid's a certain way and if
00:42:30
you're intuitive, like you know and I've done that with him like
00:42:34
when we separated, I was like, right, where's the books on
00:42:36
separating?
00:42:37
When I came out as gay, I'm like, how do I educate and and
00:42:40
all the like.
00:42:41
These days there's so much information, support out there,
00:42:45
but like when my son was born, we didn't even have a smartphone
00:42:49
.
00:42:49
Like I was 27 and I didn't know anything.
00:42:51
Like you didn't track, you didn't it?
00:42:52
Just, you know, was 27 and I didn't know anything.
00:42:53
Like you didn't track, you didn't you?
00:42:55
Just, you know, and I and I I'm very aware now that I'm
00:42:58
bringing out kids in a life where they do have all of that,
00:43:02
and so I'm not a parent, that I'm not anti-screens.
00:43:07
I'm not well back in my day.
00:43:09
We used to, you know, and I I do wish that they.
00:43:11
I just think everything in moderation, like yesterday.
00:43:14
We were at Mount Tambourine and hiked and spent the whole best
00:43:18
part of six hours out in nature and when we got home, my son's
00:43:22
like can I watch YouTube?
00:43:23
Absolutely, knock yourself out.
00:43:26
He was upstairs for two hours.
00:43:27
I did dinner, I caught up on some work and everyone's happy.
00:43:30
You know, that's no different to me watching four or five
00:43:34
hours of TV, which I would have as a kid.
00:43:35
But navigating parenting in this day and age is hard and I
00:43:41
see when you talk to your friends that have got kids at a
00:43:45
similar age and everyone makes their own rules.
00:43:47
I'm just doing my best and I go through stages.
00:43:51
I recently took my iPad off my youngest one and said it was
00:43:54
getting fixed at Apple and he didn't have it for a month and
00:43:56
then it miraculously appeared one day when he was sick and I
00:43:59
had to get work done.
00:44:00
But yeah, I think parenting kids now in this space I had to
00:44:06
parent my son, losing his virginity, and the first
00:44:08
girlfriend's there's so much focus, I think, when you're
00:44:15
pregnant and when you're going to be a parent, about the baby
00:44:18
and the birth, right, and that shit's gone in two years.
00:44:21
And the truth is you're in survival mode, as you would know
00:44:23
better than any of us, right, like you just got to get them
00:44:26
fed, eating and functioning, right.
00:44:28
If you can do all that, you're okay.
00:44:29
And then you come up for air and I find what new parents and
00:44:33
new couples don't talk about is do they want their kid to work?
00:44:36
Do they want their like?
00:44:37
What actually like?
00:44:39
What are the how they're going to parent the six-year-old, the
00:44:42
seven-year-old, the 10-year-old?
00:44:43
Are they going to be allowed to have sex in the home?
00:44:45
Do they want like all those conversations don't necessarily
00:44:49
happen, right, and I say it often to friends that are, you
00:44:53
know, newly married or having a kid I'm like, don't worry about
00:44:55
the first few years because that shit's just, it's survival,
00:44:59
right, it's like sleep deprivation.
00:45:01
Talk about what you're gonna do as a family.
00:45:03
Talk about your family values, like, talk about how you're
00:45:06
gonna.
00:45:06
Are you gonna sit down for dinner?
00:45:08
What are your not negotiables, like you know?
00:45:10
Yeah, then when phones become a thing, just decide as a family
00:45:14
what's your rules around phones and all those things.
00:45:17
So far, I'm comfortable with how I'm navigating them, but
00:45:22
it's fucking hard, right, like it's hard.
00:45:26
Carter: I've had those conversations with my wife.
00:45:27
We've talked about it all because my wife and I were both
00:45:31
absolutely fucking balls to the wall teenagers and we got into
00:45:36
some mischief.
00:45:37
We both were like we need to have a clear plan very, very far
00:45:42
in advance for our kids, because yeah if karma's a thing,
00:45:46
we're in for a, a real time yeah, so you know we've talked
00:45:50
about phones and we've, we've, you know, we've discussed.
00:45:54
We want our kids to feel like their home is the safe space we
00:45:58
would love totally their home to be like the group hangout,
00:46:01
where all the kids come and hang out here, and like the fun
00:46:05
house and all of that as far as like alcohol and drugs, you know
00:46:09
I'm not going to ever condone it, but if they're going do it,
00:46:13
they're going to do it, and I'd rather them do it in a safe and
00:46:16
controlled environment than be out on the streets.
00:46:19
Yeah, we'll always discuss these things openly as a family.
00:46:22
So they know that there's trust there and they know that if
00:46:25
they're ever in trouble the first person they call is me or
00:46:29
their mum.
00:46:29
Ali: Yeah, carter, I'm the same.
00:46:30
That's been my rule and, and you know, my son's nearly 80 and
00:46:35
I I was never into drugs as a kid.
00:46:37
I didn't do any of that till my mid-20s but and I so I had no
00:46:41
rules.
00:46:41
Growing up I could do what I want when I want.
00:46:43
I was driving my mom's car at 16 I I was just lucky I wasn't
00:46:48
naughty so I had my own, like just who I?
00:46:52
I just wasn't a rat bag, I wasn't into.
00:46:54
But my son, when he got to the age I was exactly like you.
00:47:00
All I wanted was to be told and my two family non-negotiables
00:47:06
we own our shit.
00:47:07
So when we fuck up because we will all fuck up we own it right
00:47:11
.
00:47:11
And that's my biggest thing.
00:47:12
And my eldest son had a few situations at school where he
00:47:16
wouldn't and I would know I'm like, mate, I know you did it
00:47:19
just say you did it, own your shit and then let's, let's talk
00:47:23
about that.
00:47:23
So he learned that at a sort of middle age.
00:47:26
It was only small things, like he got out of his fucking cabin
00:47:29
at camp and like nothing.
00:47:30
You know, I remember when I got the call and they said, oh,
00:47:33
he's got out of his cabin and snuck to the other rooms at camp
00:47:37
.
00:47:37
Like, honestly, I was like, oh yes, like he's got a bit of,
00:47:40
fucking, get up and go in him, because he was quite like, just,
00:47:43
I was like, I was like I was actually happy and then they're
00:47:45
like we're gonna suspend him.
00:47:46
I go suspend him for that.
00:47:48
Are you fucking kidding?
00:47:49
Like you know, he goes to a really strict school.
00:47:52
It was a really strict school, but I knew that the drug things
00:47:54
was happening and I was like, have you tried it yet?
00:47:57
Where are you at?
00:47:58
What are you, you know?
00:47:59
And he, oh, are you still there ?
00:48:02
I think I just lost you.
00:48:03
Oh, yeah, you've come back.
00:48:04
Yeah, you're back.
00:48:06
He eventually, yeah, I tried marijuana and this is, you know,
00:48:09
this is what I thought of it and you know I was trying to
00:48:12
give him his first beer at 16 and he just didn't want it.
00:48:14
He now drinks.
00:48:15
So he's just hitting nightclubs now.
00:48:17
So probably the last four months he's going out to
00:48:20
nightclubs on a Saturday night and they go out and they get
00:48:23
home at four in the morning and they've been drinking and they
00:48:26
Uber and, honestly, like I love it.
00:48:33
Carter: I'm like this is the best time of your life, mate.
00:48:35
Ali: Have a ball, be safe, go hard, go hard.
00:48:36
Like you know I've got no, yeah .
00:48:37
And his first girlfriend, like he was like, can she stay the
00:48:40
night?
00:48:40
I'm like, have you slept together yet?
00:48:41
No, we haven't, you know.
00:48:42
And he was with her for six months and that was hard to
00:48:46
navigate, you know like, and I think when you're single, you're
00:48:50
kind of like I was like, oh, I've got no one to talk to about
00:48:52
it, right?
00:48:52
So you just sort of make up your decision and you go with it
00:48:56
.
00:48:57
But yeah, no, parenting young adults is, you know, it's just
00:49:02
completely different.
00:49:03
And his dad took the other path , where I don't want to know
00:49:06
about it, I'm not interested.
00:49:08
And subsequently he doesn't stay at his dad's anymore.
00:49:10
He hasn't stayed at his dad's house in a year and a half, you
00:49:12
know.
00:49:12
And so, as a parent, you get an opportunity where you can.
00:49:15
Either you can put your head in the sand, but you lose them
00:49:19
along the way, right, like kids are all going to lie and they're
00:49:24
all going to do the things that they're going to do, and you
00:49:26
just have to make a decision on whether you want to know about
00:49:30
it or you don't.
00:49:31
Jesus.
00:49:32
Carter: I'd always rather know about it.
00:49:34
Ali: Same, same same and like he's, you know.
00:49:38
I mean he hasn't done any, we haven't had a major touch.
00:49:40
Whatever we touch, I don't have any wood in front of me, but
00:49:43
yes, I have there.
00:49:44
We go touch wood.
00:49:44
I haven't had any major drama with him yet, but it will happen
00:49:49
.
00:49:49
Someone will take too much, or they'll have their first drug,
00:49:53
or you know, he's just starting to want to go to festivals and
00:49:59
like I know it's there, right.
00:50:00
But I hand on heart, 100% know that he will call me.
00:50:02
I know he will call me and if he didn't get me he'd call my
00:50:06
ex-partner and he not like if he couldn't get me and he would
00:50:09
call and that's all I want you know, you know, I don't know
00:50:14
what the drug scene is going to be like when my kids are of age
00:50:17
I know right probably going to be fucking digital.
00:50:22
Carter: Put this fucking chip in your neck or something lens in
00:50:24
your eye or some shit, I don't know imagine what it would be
00:50:27
like.
00:50:28
That's interesting yeah, no, I think about it quite often
00:50:31
actually, but just just the amount of dangerous situations
00:50:35
that I I could have been in as a , as a young man like I would.
00:50:41
I went to festivals and a person that I had never seen in
00:50:44
my life would walk up to me and she'd be like open your mouth.
00:50:47
And I'd be like, fucking sure, what did I just take?
00:50:50
It could have been battery acid .
00:50:52
I fucking do not know.
00:50:54
And you know I'm very, very lucky that those were some of
00:50:57
the coolest nights of my life.
00:51:00
Ali: Same.
00:51:00
I'm the same Same.
00:51:01
Carter: Yeah.
00:51:02
Ali: Yeah, I'm the same and I, yeah, I have the same memories
00:51:05
and I, my eldest son's best friend he was, if we're going
00:51:10
back a few years earlier.
00:51:11
His parents weren't parenting the same, so so he got into
00:51:14
vaping and was getting into bongs and they were not allowing
00:51:18
it and they were starting to really lose him, you know.
00:51:20
And he got into it a bit younger then and at that time my
00:51:23
son wasn't into it and we used to be neighbors before I
00:51:26
separated with my partner and so we're close.
00:51:28
And you know, she reached out and was like I'm losing him and
00:51:32
I'm like mate, you've got to take the red tape off.
00:51:34
Like he's getting out the window, he's gonna do it anyway,
00:51:37
you know, you're gonna lose him completely.
00:51:40
And we went on a family holiday with them a year ago and they
00:51:44
changed their parenting style literally completely.
00:51:48
Like we, literally they're like no, you're right, I'm like,
00:51:51
just let him do it.
00:51:52
Who cares?
00:51:52
He's doing it.
00:51:53
A year earlier, like he vapes you guys both smoked.
00:51:56
He vapes it Like it's not okay.
00:51:59
But if you keep, you know the lying and you know all that was
00:52:03
worse.
00:52:03
And so they completely changed the way they were parenting him
00:52:06
and they are all so close now, like their whole family network,
00:52:09
my, they live.
00:52:10
They live near the water, near our old house, and my son stays
00:52:13
there.
00:52:13
And the other night they got in on Sunday and they were coming
00:52:16
in at five and the dad just got up.
00:52:19
He's like oh geez, boys, come over here, gave him a HydroLite
00:52:24
and some Panadol and sent him to bed.
00:52:27
Now, if that was a year earlier he would have been like where
00:52:29
the hell have you been making a big deal about it?
00:52:31
And it's like's like they are 17, they are getting into a
00:52:34
nightclub with fake id.
00:52:35
They're not quite 18 yet, but it's okay like it actually is.
00:52:39
And even the bouncers look at it and go okay, mate in, you go,
00:52:43
yeah, you know you think you think things have changed, but
00:52:48
it kind of yeah, it kind of hasn I, yeah, it doesn't.
00:52:53
It's an interesting thing for me .
00:52:54
I grew up in Melbourne so we didn't get our license until we
00:52:57
were 18.
00:52:58
So you got your license at 18 and you could then go out,
00:53:01
whereas here they get in Queensland they get their
00:53:03
licenses at 16, which for anyone in America it's completely
00:53:06
different.
00:53:06
They're 16 and then can't drink to 21.
00:53:08
So I find that really so for me .
00:53:15
Once he got his license I was like, like there's no curfews
00:53:17
anymore, like I trust you, you smash the car if you drink,
00:53:18
drive, did it, you know, and he's lost all his points.
00:53:20
He's driving around the moment with one point because he lost
00:53:23
three points for doing, for speeding, and he won't ever.
00:53:25
He won't drink and drive because at the moment he needs
00:53:27
the car, like that's his lifeline.
00:53:29
So he ubers everywhere, which is smart, yeah, whereas when we
00:53:33
were young we drank and drove.
00:53:35
That's what we did.
00:53:35
Like, yeah, we would literally be at it, we'd be at a rave and
00:53:39
we would finish it and we're like so who's who's gonna do
00:53:41
this?
00:53:42
Like who's tripping the less, and I often drove, I'll drive.
00:53:45
You know, and I sort of preach that I've never drunk, drove and
00:53:49
I'm like you might have been drunk, but you definitely were.
00:53:52
Carter: You definitely were.
00:53:53
On something.
00:53:54
I didn't get my licence until I was 25 because I had lost a
00:54:01
fair few friends from drink driving and stuff.
00:54:04
Ali: Did you.
00:54:04
That's horrible.
00:54:06
Carter: I was the type of person that would do it because I just
00:54:08
didn't give a fuck.
00:54:09
So I consciously was like, okay , well, the only way I can
00:54:14
ensure that I don't drink, drive and don't die behind the wheel
00:54:17
of a car is just to not get my licence.
00:54:19
Ali: So I was always just the drunk passenger.
00:54:21
Yeah, yeah, it's smart, it's really smart I saved myself by
00:54:25
doing that.
00:54:25
Yeah, really smart.
00:54:28
Carter: Is there anything you want to throw out to the world
00:54:32
before we wrap up, Nicole?
00:54:34
What do I want to?
00:54:35
Ali: throw out to the world.
00:54:36
You know what I'd love to throw out to the world.
00:54:39
I am just so incredibly passionate about you know.
00:54:44
It's not so much around parenting but just being true to
00:54:47
who you are.
00:54:48
Right Like.
00:54:50
It feels like such a cliche, but fuck, conforming, fuck society,
00:54:54
fuck what you've been brought up.
00:54:55
Believing, you know, finding who you are and being true to
00:54:59
that person is the most liberating thing I've ever done
00:55:02
in my life and I am such an advocate for it and I just yeah,
00:55:10
for anyone out there that doesn't even know what that
00:55:12
means, because if I had have heard me saying this three years
00:55:15
ago, I would have been like what the fuck is she talking
00:55:17
about?
00:55:17
But life gets to be really easy , like when you accept who you
00:55:22
inherently are and you trust who you are and you have integrity
00:55:26
in yourself.
00:55:27
Everyday tasks get to be easy, like I just like cleaning my
00:55:31
house, washing, like all of the things that that were
00:55:34
traditionally piss you off.
00:55:36
If you're in a really good state of mind, that shit's just
00:55:39
not hard.
00:55:40
It's just what you're going to do, you know.
00:55:42
But you just you don't have that resentment.
00:55:44
So I would like to throw out to the world that life does get to
00:55:47
be really easy, but you do have to do the work.
00:55:50
You can't and the work's inner it's all about you.
00:55:53
It's never about anyone else.
00:55:54
It's never about a relationship , a home, a job.
00:55:57
It's always a fucking inside job.
00:55:59
And that's what I do.
00:56:01
I help women do that work and it's the most rewarding thing
00:56:05
ever, you know.
00:56:06
But that would be my throw out.
00:56:08
Carter: Awesome, be who you are, perfect.
00:56:09
And just before I let you go, do you want to plug your
00:56:14
businesses, plug your artwork and your life coaching?
00:56:17
Ali: Yeah, totally Totally so.
00:56:19
My art business is called your Art by Nicole, and Instagram is
00:56:24
where I'm most active.
00:56:26
And then my coaching and podcast is your Say.
00:56:29
So the word your Say, your Say by Nicole.
00:56:33
So my podcast is also on Spotify, apple and all of the
00:56:37
platforms and over there we do a really similar thing to you.
00:56:41
We don't necessarily have the parenting link, but we talk a
00:56:45
lot about the conversations that people are really having, you
00:56:48
know, and not the mums that are going to the coffee shop in all
00:56:53
of their $300 leggings, the conversations that actually
00:56:57
really should be happening.
00:56:58
That's kind of what our podcast is about.
00:57:02
But, yeah, I do coaching.
00:57:03
I work with women all over the world and I do it via Zoom and
00:57:08
you'll find it all on Instagram so we can drop it in the show
00:57:11
notes and stuff.
00:57:12
Carter: Yeah, awesome.
00:57:12
Well, thank you very much for joining me.
00:57:14
No worries, thank you, carter, it's been really good.
00:57:16
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
00:57:17
The deep chat was way deeper than I thought I was going to go
00:57:19
, but deep is good we got deep.
00:57:21
It was good we will catch up soon.
00:57:23
I think I'm going to come on your podcast.
00:57:28
Ali: You are going to be the first man I've ever, and by the
00:57:32
time you get on there, I'll have done 50 episodes and I won't
00:57:35
have spoken to a guy yet.
00:57:37
So you are going to be the first.
00:57:39
Carter: Very excited.
00:57:40
Ali: Yeah, sounds good.
00:57:41
Carter: All right, mate, you take care.
00:57:43
Ali: Thank you.
00:57:43
Carter: Hooray bye.
00:57:48
Speaker 3: See you, it's another day to try and find a way to
00:57:54
make it so my life's a better place.
00:57:57
If there's one thing I see, then your only thing is me.
00:58:03
Just knowing that I'm trying to make a change.
00:58:07
Can I put it all on me?
00:58:11
Can I put it all on me, Responsibilities and all the
00:58:21
other nonsense coming by repeatedly?
00:58:23
There's one thing I know it's knowing to let go, Just knowing
00:58:27
that I'm trying to make a change Outro Music.